It's been long time for me to start to paint again. I was surprised to find how calm my mind was when I was painting today. It's a small piece but it's so much fun and joy. That's the calmness I've been missing these days. I've been living in completely lost and mess.

Not thinking about the techniques but only painting... That's another way to voice. People said I'm eloquent (that's because they don't understand me) but I'm not actually...  (at least to abstract human feelings) I  find art is the best tool to express my complex feelings than words. I used to be annoyed by people who do not really understand me and love to make judgements on me. Well... why do I have to bother on explaining myself to them? Let them think whatever they think I am... as long as I am not what they think I am...

"Life is short...there're far more important stuff deserved your concern" one of my good friends said to me.

Hope i can keep having another ...another...another....of my painting in the future! :>

"She was crazy!!!" "She's got mental illness!!!!"

They were the most comments I have been hearing from people commenting on the family tragedy in Tin Shui Wai.

Just go on the street and ask anyone on the street, this is the only comment they can make. Isn't it terrifying to hear this kind of comment?

I could not help shivering when my students made this comment in class. They were so much detached from the tradegy and that was the only "wonderful' comment they can make and that's it!

Couldn't it be more room for us to think about the whole tragedy and the suffer that the whole family have had before we simply made the judgement that she was crazy.

It was even daunting to see the reaction of my colleagues. They were totally immune to the tragedy. They didn't give a damn to show any interest in knowing the news. They were abnormally quiet on the news. Their reaction makes me remember how my old colleagues working in Yuen Long would give response to when hearing the news.  At least they show their concern.   The colleagues in my recent school just kept on talking about their middle-class life stuff. There's  nothing more interesting than their own life and that's it. They are teachers but they show no response to the society. They show no reflection on what's happening in our community. Isn't it terrible to figure out what impact they can bring on our next generation? The answer is "I". They all live in their "I" world.... things happening outside their "world" is none of their business! 

 The wholel tradegy recalls one of my drama teaching experience in my old school. I did a few workshop on domestic violence with my S4 students. I was impressed how reflective they were on the issue. The same voice in my heart keeps asking if drama can help to prevent this kind of tragedy from happening or at least raise peopl'e awareness. If i can find a group of friends which share my view, i really want to go to that community and use DIE to see how much we can do. I guess that's why we're studying in this course cos we know that drama can bring changes in life... even though these changes are very tiny.

Answers?

Last week, my Net chose a very unfavourable time to ask why he couldn't find an answer for his life though he asked himself every day.

I didn't pay pmuch attention to his question as I was in such a hurry to finish my lunch. It was a wrong time for this kind of questions.

But then, I started to think about this question again since my Panel chair talked about finding answers in life today.

Is it a must for us to find a definite answer in our life? Or I wonder if we can really find an answer for our life. Why do we have to find an answer?

Have we been using a too scientific way of looking at life? Can life be understood as if we were finding out solutions for equations? If it is so simple and one-way, we won't suffer so much from the complexity of life.

I can't see the point of finding answers for life? What does it for? When one spends so much time to find the answer, things is passing-by only. The process is completely forgotten.

What does it mean if we can find the answer? What does it not?

There won't be answers until we start. There won't be answer until we take the journy of quest.

Most of the people are just shouting at their full blast that they want to find an answer for life. But they have never made a step forward. They have never improved.... Even if there was a chance to find the answer, they woudn't be able to do it.

Why do we have to bother whether we can find the answer or not?Why don't we just enjoy the process before we reah the answer? Is the process more important than the end?

FEEL REALLY SUFFOCATED!!!!

Esp I have to live with my very annoying, troublesome , mean and terrible father!!!

Why am i always the one who tolerates him!!!! I'm really sick of him for all my whole life!!!!!

I need room and space for me to breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to get away those bonds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Wowo.........

1.  It's been a month in this new school..............Things are doing fine except my piles of students' homework gathering on my desk... and my anxiety of delivering better lessons to my girls...........I'm still fighting with time but at least i get these in mind which will surely won't let myself loose... It's really exhausting to chase with time when you're a kind of perfectionist and a person with expectation! Lucky me, my colleagues are nice and quite helpful and the girls are really angels. What could I ask for more then!

2. I lose weight finally and drop back to the a number which I haven't reached for a long time. Isn't it worthy of celebration? From Tuesday to Fri....it's Body Pump, RPM, Body Pump, RPM, Body Attack, Body Balance... I am so surprised by myself the perservence of going for workshout for the whole week... and the feeling is so good and satisfying. My mind goes blank and just fall into sleep after the exercise. When getting up next morning, I feel so energetic...well... i guess that's the way I have to lead my life on but not putting myself in a self-pity situation from time to time. Friends of mine if you're interested in joining me for workout, do let me know!!!!

3. Walking past by Wellington street last Fri night, I accidentally found a interesting studio. What those people doing inside did caught my attention. They were painting in the studio and you could see very clearly what they were doing. The complete engagement in their painting touches my inner desire of painting which has been planted in  my heart  for such a long time. When I looked at the name of the shop, I know that's the place where I can free my mind and let my wild imagination, intense feeling and creativitiy skate for 5 hours. Artjamming............I've decided to go and have my first painting asap.... I can't wait to start painting........

 4. Really gotta start to work on my assignments. I quite like the size of the study group we have. Not too big but small enough to listen to each others' ideas and do the discussion with the tutor.  In last study group I found a classmate who is used to be rather laid back and invovled as an observer participant most of the time did invovle in the study group a lot. I was qite happy to see that as I was observing the dynamics of the group. Interesting to notice enough, he is cool when he was so invovled in the discussion. Don't misunderstand, I did pay attention to the whole discussion! But that's only a new finding! I finished Suckey's fries which I shouldn't have done that. But it's such huge temptation in front of me.

Just went for a haircut...

It turns out a new look... I was a bit hesitant in the beginning...but then there was a voice in my heart yelling....why not! I need some changes in my life. Anyway, let's start with my haircut and then let go of those in the past... those people annoying me...those who didn't know what life is...those who didn't open their heart and sense it or give response to.

I have enough!!!

Just start a new life and enjoy it!

Now every time when i look at myself at the mirror. I know that I can' t live in the past or my fantasy any more. I have to stand up and move on.!. BE MYSELF; BE MY LIFE!!!